MAUSAM - Cringe worthy, Stupid, Sleeping Spoof

Route : MAUSAM is about Harry (shahid kapoor) and aayat (sonam), who are the most manoos SUPERcouple on the face of planet earth. whenever the 2 meet, they start riots or fuckin wars. the story starts from the backdrop of the 93' riots - extending into the kargil war in 99' - finally ending in the gujrat riots 03' (thank god), while taking the protagonist from Punjab-Scotland-Switzerland-new York-Ahmadabad. (in short, makin the travel agent a millionaire in the process). how the lovers get back together even after screwin the world (and the audience) after a 3-hour theater ordeal, forms the crux of the story.

Pick-ups : cinematography, art direction, shahid kapoor

Pot Holes : direction, music, story (wat story...where ...when....why), dialogues (simply childish), sonam, with a running length of 164 min, you can finish off a T-20 match and catch up on some uncensored MMS as wel.

Gibran's Cut : Dear Pankaj Kapoor,

MAUSAM has a very correct tagline 'timeless romance'...but i want to slightly edit it...it should have been 'timeless perverted romance'...because the movie is so boring and long that in the mean time, you can make-out twice with your girlfriend and still find time to check out a hot MILF in the theater. i just wish this movie had come out in my college time, so that i didnt had 2 turn-on my gf or force her 2 make-out with me, she would have just jumped on me out of sheer boredom. 

At 1 time in the climax (wen shahid's paralytic hand starts workin ...eureka....DUH), i was laughin so hard that i almost rolled on the floor, and then i understood that may b u wanted 2 make a spoof of all the romantic movies. like karan johar made a spoof on drama movies, called 'my name is khan'.

shahid is brilliant in the movie and i feel bad for him, cause i know he must tried hard 2 explain to his father, that this film doesn't have a story (conversation - shahid : wheres the story dad ??.... pankaj : wat story ? just shut the fuck up and say ur lines, if u finish ur lines i will just shoot the mountains and waste tons of film reels)

sonam is not an actor. just giggling all the time even if u r sad doesn't count as acting (she should just quit, grow hair on her body  like her dad and retire)

Finally, MAUSAM is a cringe worthy-stupid movie, which should be used as a sleeping pill. doctors should actually recommend it for insomnia. not even recommended for 1 viewing. stay at home and watch KBC instead.

RICKSHAVALA METER : */5 (for cinematography) and two middle fingers

APPROPRIATE FARE : free mein bhi mahengi hai but if u get 3 hours in a dark theater with your gf, then its a must-watch in the second week (Corner seats...ahem)

PS: this review was delayed for a week by the censor board

MERE BROTHER KI DULHAN - Cliche, Filmy but Fun

Route : MBKD is about a casanova big brother Luv (ali zafar) who asks his corrupt minded pervert younger brother Kush (imran khan) to find a suitable bride for him. kush ends up findin and eventually fallin in love (or lust ?) with the hot dimple (katrina) who is without a single pimple. (saala itna bhabhi mein ghusega toh pyar hoga hi na...bhabhi maal saaman hoti hai....i mean maa saamaan). how does kush disrupt the marriage and marry dimple without hurting anybody's feeling at home forms the crux of the story.

Pick ups : snazzy dialogues, superb YRF packaging, direction.....and above all katrina's face, katrina's eyes, katrina's lips, katrina's cheeks, katrina's ***, katrina's ****, katrina's *** (abey yeh censor kaise ho gaya)

Pot holes: age old story which drags in some places, 2/6 songs are good rest are just ok

Gibran's Cut - Dear Yash Chopra ji,

I always thought movies worked cause of their story but with MBKD you have educated us that a movie can be made by mixing - witty dialogues, flashy sets, expensive clothes, good looking actors and viola - u get a masala pot boiler. but, i still think Band Baaja Baraat remains the best masala film of your production. (atleast it had a love scene)

Imran slightly improves on his monotonous acting (in his previous films, his acting was as flat as paris hilton's bosom....ya i have seen paris's EDUCATIONAL video and i assure you, they r flat !!!!). dude, u got to realize that there are other emotions in acting rather than just acting surprised in every other scene.

Ali zafar is brilliant....he is natural as the NRI (or the NRP). this man can certainly get a fucki*g visa

But, the film truly belongs to katrina kaif, she overpowers and overshadows every actor in the film cause of her presence (inspite of her wrong dicKtion). Yes she overacts in places but who really cares how you act (when you have a sweet face and a cute bum like that)

Finally, MBKD is 1 time watch entertaining film, which is a time-pass popcorn romcom. but if u are a katrina kaif die hard fan (read : if u search for her BOOM pictures all the time) then its a must watch.

RICKSHAVALA METER : **half/5
APPROPRIATE FARE : 150 - 200rs. (watch it in a single screen theater cause movie k saath comments free milengey)

BOL - Sensitive and Engrossing

Route : BOL revolves around a condemned rebellious girl (zainab), who backlashes against her testosterone filled father (hakeem) who goes on producing children as if they are pepsi cans so that a male heir is born. finally, a male child is born who turns out 2 be a mini-me of karan johar. how zainab stands against all the oppression in pakistan against women, forms the crux of the story.

Pick ups : direction, cinematography, dialogues.... hot pakistani women
Pot holes : editing, at 159min the movie is too fuckin long (the person next 2 me was playing angry birds in the end), music is jarring as atif disappoints and breaks the tempo.

Gibran's cut : Dear shoaib mansoor,

Thank you sir for reconfirming my belief in cinema. otherwise BODYGUARD made me think that porn films had better story and action (atleast in porn, the film doesnt screw the audience). anyways, BOL is hardhitting real cinema which raises an important sensitive topic - "WHY ARE PAKISTANI WOMEN SO HOT"...brrrrr....i mean it focuses on the atyachar done on pakistani (or read muslim women), but who really wants 2 c that when u have gorgeous paki women staring at you from those innocent sexy eyes......(brrrrrrrrr...focus on the movie dammit)

also thanks for notifying us that most of the pakistani men prefer raping a eunuch, while the hot women roam around in heavy make up. (how gay can u get ??)

humaima malick as zainab is good but she lacked the energy in some scenes (but who cares SHE IS HOT...brrrr),  manzah sehbai as the father is brillaint (an actor to watch out for..if he ever gets a visa), iman ali  as meena is soooooo hot (no i have nothing else to say). atif is wasted and only acts as an item boy in the movie.

In the end, KHUDA K LIYE was a movie with balls which is not easy to surpass, but BOL gets close enough ...not on balls but on estrogen power. This is a movie, all MCP's (male chauvinist pigs) should watch.

RICKSHAVALA METER - ***half/5
APPROXIMATE FARE - 150rs is enough. otherwise play angry birds till the movie goes into second week.

PS : its confirmed that a chu*iyapa film like BODYGUARD is gonna crush BOL like a T-rex at the B-O.

BODYGUARD - crappy cinema at its worst !!!!!!!! :@

Dear Sallu Bhaijaan,

I have 2 words to sum up BODYGUARD....'WOT SHIT'.....!!!!!

You are in that phase of your career when you hav the license to make crappy cinema cause undoubtedly this movie is gonna break records (it can break heads also, if ppl bang it on walls while watchin it)

I thought READY was bakwaas but surprisingly BODYGUARD outshines it in boredom....now thats an achievement in itself. Bhai, u better buckle up or else your aura will go topless as wel.

bechari kareena is so wasted, karishma kapoor's voice has more footage than kareena's role.

aditya pancholi as the villain is minimum but effective.

special mention to 'tsunami' - if i find that fatso rajat rawail, i will kick his overacting ass so hard that he will forget which direction the sunshines

In the end, BODYGUARD will do running business in theaters cause of bhaijaan but outside the theater saridon people will make a killing.

RIKSHAVALA METER - NO STARS just a big middle finger/5
APPROXIMATE FARE - free mein bhi jaana mehenga hai boss