Meeruthiya Gangsters

Dear Zeishan Quadri,

I have been associated with you since Wasseypur-1, and i was completely blown away with the creative vision and narrative grasp you have on a story and its characters. After some years of contemplating, you finally decided to helm the captain's chair and viola we have a gem named 'Meeruthiya Gangsters'.

The Plot revolves around friendship between 6 reckless youths from Meerut, which is one of the most dangerous areas in India (even though we met the nicest people in the world there). The youths want to earn money and take shortcuts to arrange the dough. Unfortunately, they get conned and their innocence turn into evil, which leads them to kidnap people and collect ransoms for a living. Eventually, their luck runs out when they come head to head with a tough sarcastic cop.

Firstly, i am too associated with the project to do a Review for the film and will not add any good or bad points of the film since it's my own first baby and it would be unfair as a reviewer to review my own film. But as the Screenplay writer of the film, i am satisfied that the film was made according to me and Zee bhai's vision. A piece of advice - It's not an ordinary masala film that you expect puns everywhere, and the shots are not your regular filmy taking. But, what holds the film is its Characters and the language. Real films with dark humor are a rarity these days and Meeruthiya is one of those rare films.

The reason i am writing this for my own film is to stand against those reviewers who have back lashed against the film without giving it a chance. Some Critics have loved it and some have hated it. The Critics who hated it doesn't necessarily mean they haven't got the money to write a positive feedback, it means that the reviewer didn't connect with the film. So, to write a review, a day prior to the release of the film, is plain backstabbing. At least give the chance to the audience to use their own brain to sense the film. By imposing the review to the world, before the release of the film, some reviewers are maligning small independent films.

This negative clout was formed around Bombay Velvet as well before its release and the film had to suffer even though it wasn't that bad.

If the film was that bad then why would senior reviewers like Komal Nahata or Mid day or Dainik Jagran give it positive reviews. Even on BookMyShow Meeruthiya fared better ratings than Katti Batti. May be the reviewer was having an off day and he released his frustration on the film. But atleast think of the hardwork put in by the team for one and half years behind the independent film.

I as a reviewer never give my feedback on any film before its release because today's audiences are easily influenced by words seeded into them, and this gives more responsibility to journalism and writers in general. I met many people in the theaters who loved the film and said they came with a lot of expectation after Wasseypur and they weren't disappointed. A young blogger even told me that negative reviews pushed him to see the film and felt sorry for the reviewers who gave it negative feedback since it shows the deep corruption in our journalism.

And finally now Meeruthiya is getting recognition on torrents and has been named one of the most underrated films of 2015.

Eventually, Meeruthiya did not break records at the box office. But i foresee a following for the film in the future like Andaz Apna Apna, which was panned and later became a cult for the next Gen.

For the people who have supported the film, wait for the return of Wasseypur next year kyunki Sab ka badla lega hamara Zeishan.

Rating- Only Audience's love :* :* :* :* :*

Phantom

Dear Kabir Khan,

This year you impressed and wowed the audiences with 'Bajrangi Bhaijaan' and now with Phantom, you continue your good form of technically brilliant films but Phantom sheds pace and logic in the second half.

The film revolves around a disgraced army commander who is sent on a mission-impossible to kill the 4 masterminds behind the 26/11 Taj attacks. The Hitman travels through many countries on a free-for-all visa and gets his mission accomplished.

The film is technically on par with Hollywood. The idea is like 'Inglorious Bastards' where a team of military people assassinate Hitler hypothetically. A film like this is a brave attempt as it is. The war scenes in Syria and the entire first half gives you a feeling of a Tom Cruise film. But the second half is where the problem lies. Post-interval, the film is very similar to D-Day & Baby making it a rehash of those films without anything new. The first half is fresh with smart writing and a kadak screenplay except that its 10-15mins long and could have been sharpened on the editing table. As soon as Saif enters Pakistan, the film goes in the cliche zone where the characters and the situation takes you back to old school Bollywood. Also, Katrina is sooooo miscasted. She has perfect hair during a War (ayyo bomb, lemme make my hair first). And then she has kajal and make up on during an assassination attempt. Her accent makes her look so fake. 

The Mir & Headley killings are interesting and the Syria environment is absolutely breathtaking. Also, the visual effects are very well executed. Special mention to the cinematography - brilliant.

Saif is good and does well especially after Agent Vinod which was on similar lines. Katrina is the weak link. All good emotional scenes are wasted on her.

Overall, Phantom is not Bajrangi, while Bajrangi gave you a pride feeling along with a peaceful atmosphere, Phantom brings the same negative feeling from our neighbors which came during 'Border'. Even though the film is an illusionary set up, we want the guilty to receive justice. Rest aside if only measured as a film, rather than a political issue, Phantom is a good film which can be definitely watched once.

Rating - **half

Brothers

Dear Karan Malhotra,

Your last film 'Agneepath' was an OK film but it managed to pull through, thanks to Rishi Kapoor's menacing role in it, but with 'Brothers' you get caught up with a heavy dose of cliche's and a weak screenplay.

The film revolves around the Fernandez family. Akshay has a grudge against his father Jackie (Not Jacqueline) and he lives away from his father and step brother Siddharth. The enmity in the family and the desperation of the situation leads the family to be involved in the MMA fighting matches. In the end, both Brothers wage war against each other but only one can win.

The film is an official remake of 'Warrior' (2011). Warrior itself was an OK film and had a Bollywood undertone, because it was very filmy. Though Tom Hardy's character (here played by Sid) was extraordinary. But the writer (Ekta Malhotra) has changed the screenplay to suit it to the Indian audiences.The problem lies here in the Screenplay of the film. The film is divided into 2 halves. The first half is the emotional back story while the second half has the action. The audience got so frustrated in the first half that i could see couples making out just to avoid wasting their ticket money (the make out scene in the theater kept me awake as well during the first half snooze fest). There is too much emotional drama in the first half that i once expected a sign of 'Glycerin Kills' instead of 'smoking kills'. Also, the music is bad and even the Kareena item song is misplaced and un-required (not all item songs become chikni chameli). The second half is interesting because it has the action but its too much too fast and doesn't let the audience rest. There is not a single scene which comes out of the arena and the film seems like a live pay-per-view WWE tournament. Hence, the action seems loud after sometime. The solution to this problem could have been a tighter screenplay, where they could have mixed the right amount of action and emotion from the start if the film started directly with the tournament.Also, Akshay's characterization is faulty when after loving Sid so much, he blames him for the problems in the family.

The action in the film is superlative. The cinematography deserves a standing ovation. The director sets the mood right during the fights and its thrilling to see international beef cakes fight our own Akshay paaji. Visually the film is stunning and looks like an international film.

Akshay does well and he uses his martial arts training to the hilt. Siddharth keeps on surprising me. He is a find for Hindi cinema. Jacquiline has nothing to do in the film. Shefali shah is such a live wire emotionally. But, its Jackie (not Fernandez but Shroff) who brings the house down with his portrayal of an alcoholic. His best performance after Parinda and Gardish.

Overall, Brothers could have been a good film but is let down by a struggling screenplay. If you like wrestling then you can go watch the movie after the interval but i suggest one saridon for the first half and one saridon for after the movie. 

Rating - **

Bahubali

Dear S.S. Rajamouli,

I have been an avid fan of your films from Sye, Maghadheera to Eega. But its Bahubali, which makes you the biggest Director in Indian Cinema. You even cross Shankar in your vision and the amount of money spent.

The film revolves around a fictional kingdom in pre-historic era, where a boy grows up in a village beneath a waterfall and his raging hormones make him climb the waterfall for the hot Tamanna (i would have done the same dude, she is like pure milk). After climbing up and having an one-day stand with Tamanna (pre-historic chicks were easy man), the boy decides to go against the tyrant kingdom just cause he wants more sex from Tamanna (men and their libidos are bigger than anything bitches). But he soon realizes that he is the reincarnation of his father, who was the Tyrant king's brave brother. In the past, both brothers destroyed an evil kingdom but Bahubali was back stabbed by a trusted ally. The reason will be revealed in the next part (2016)

A lot has been said about the visual effects of the film and its definitely world class, even though we haven't reached Avatar or Lord of the Rings (their budgets are 4 times the budget of Bahubali. Between, Bahubali both parts are made in 450crores). But the effects are still commendable and they are a step in the right direction. The sets and costumes are awesome and the Production Designer, Sabu Cyril, deserves a national award for his efforts. Its a tough film to make because of the grand scale of its production and yes its worth every penny. 

The first half drags a bit but the director keeps you interested by showing a bare back Tamanna ( no effects required there) but its the second half which defines the film as the movie borrows from 300 part 2 and Meluha- The book, but Bahubali takes things to another level. Especially the war sequence is fabulous. 

The film isn't Maghadheera which was far superior in story telling (may be cause the 2nd part of Bahubali will be more satisfying) but the film is still remarkable and epic.

Prabhas does brilliantly and looks the part of the unbeatable Bahubali. Rana Daggubatti is phenomenal. He is evil and shows why he is one of the best actors down south. Tamanna is hot (pure mother dairy milk). Satyaraj as Katappa is mind blowing. But, its Ramya who delivers a stunning performance in an extended cameo as the Queen.

Overall, Bahubali in the future will be seen as a corner stone of epic Indian films. We still have a long way to reach Hollywood standards but beware we are knocking on your door Hollywood. 

Rating- ***half

Bajrangi Bhaijaan

Dear Kabir Khan,

I liked your Kabul Express, thought Kurbaan was better than New York and absolutely hated Ek Tha Tiger (it was better than Bodyguard would sound like poison is better than hanging). But, now with Bajrangi Bhaijaan you have finally arrived as a premiere director in Hindi cinema.

The film revolves about a mute Paki girl lost in India, and she finding a savoir in our Bhai. Bhai takes her to Pakistan with the help of Nawaz. In the End, Bhai finally returns triumphantly to India after finding the girl's parents.

Yes, after a long time you watch a Sallu movie which uses your cerebrum (for all your Sallu fans - that's a part of your brain). The story is interesting and Sallu brave heartedly gives the main lead to the child, Harshali Malhotra (who has more acting talent than Katrina & Zarine Khan combined). Its a fantastic film and you feel a lump in your throat in the climax (even though you feel ridiculed with the absurdity of the situation. But fuck it, its Bhai after all)

The scenes where Munni runs to have non veg or when she breaks into a victory dance after Pakis have won is worth mentioning. Also Om Puri's cameo is brilliant. And unlike Gadar, the hero gets whacked by the Pakis (yes you want to rip off a hand pump on seeing Bhai being tortured) but the real sense of the film is still maintained. The film is real, unlike any other Sallu film.

Except for the climax, which goes way over the top. The first half is a little stretched as Mrs. Kapoor Khan is pushed in the script. But the second half gains Nawaz instead of Kareena and the film sky rockets. The songs are bad and you rush out of the theatre for a smoke, only to realize its the boredom of the songs which want you to smoke (PS: i don't smoke and i still went out) BC. 

Salman Bhai is absolutely brilliant and he will bring tears to your eyes. This is his best ACTING performance after Tere Naam. Kareena is good as the junior artist. Nawaz is awesome, he is the highlight of the film. But, its Harshali Malhotra who brings the house down without saying anything in the movie. She is a star.

Overall, Bajrangi Bhaijaan will break many records because it strikes the rite cord with the audiences. It falters in the first half and has too many unbelievable situations. But chuck everything, because you connect with the film and it blurs out its shortcomings. Rejoice its Bhai Season this Eid.

Rating - ***half

Tanu weds Manu Returns

Dear Aanand L Rai,

Yash Chopra in his hey days gave us love stories that we adore and admire for generations. Your films like Tanu weds Manu & Ranjhana, are the new age Desi love stories, which will be remembered for bringing the north flavor in our love meal. With Tanu weds Manu Returns, you continue your good form and prove that you are Yashji reborn (with a Desi touch)

The film takes off from it left us in the first part, but now Tanu & Manu are a couple in distress who last had sex in 2013 during bhaidooj (WTF brilliant). Tanu comes to India and tries to blow off steam by revisiting all her old flames while Manu returns from an asylum to send her a divorce notice. The story takes a turn when Datto appears in their life and Manu falls for the fiery Jatt. Rest of the film is a roller coaster ride between the trio and ends with a mushy climax.

The film is a total paisa vasool. It's entertaining, fresh and funny. The scenes where Manu's father breaks the tube light or Datto's outburst against Tanu are the highlight of the film. Special mention to its Dialogues, which are bound to get every award next season. Production value is superior than the first film and is a visual rustic treat.

The first half is like a breeze but the second half becomes a little sluggish and illogical. Why are the hot headed Jatt's quiet when Tanu creates a scene during a wedding? The climax too seems forced and the films ends abruptly. But, these are only minor hiccups because the film still manages to entertain and keep you engrossed.

Kangna is the life of the film. She is like the Meryl Streep of India. What a performance, whether its Datto or Tanu. Both characters are completely opposite to each other as she effortlessly slips into both characters. For once you believe it is 2 different actors who have played the characters. If Kangna is the new Khan, i am an avid fan. I m sure after Queen, this will be her next national award. 

Madhavan is calm and subtle. He emotes beautifully and has a good supporting role for the leads (Both Kangnas)

Deepak Dobriyal brings the house down in Pappi's role, he overacts in some scene but all is forgiven since the character required it.

Jimmy Shergill is not menacing as the first film but still good. He is so underrated.

Zeeshan Ayub is good but has the most illogical role in the film.

Overall, Tanu Weds Manu Returns is an awesome film to watch. Its not better than the first one but as good as the first one. Like Piku has to be seen with your parents, TWMR should be watched with your partner. This is a worthy sequel. Anand L Rai has to be rechristened as the new Age Baap of romance, And Kangna as the New age Khan. Bravo

Rating - ***half

Bombay Velvet

Dear Sir Anurag Kashyap,

Before i start saying anything about the film let me be clear - i don't think i am qualified enough in film making to review your film. Especially since you have been an institution and an inspiration for our generation. Your films from Black Friday to Ugly have been bad-ass raw films, which have prompted fearless people in this industry. But, with 'Bombay Velvet' you have deviated from your strengths and gave us an overcooked film.

The plot revolves around Scarface Ranbir who arrives in Bombay just after independence. He takes the Carlito's way to rise in the underbelly of Bombay. Finally, he meets a gay tabloid magnet Karan Johar, who grooms him into the Goodfellas and Godfathers. In between his obsession for his girlfriend Anushka makes him a Raging Bull, ready to fight anyone for no reason. In the end, he has a showdown with the fruitcake baddie aka Scarface & Breathless.

The problem lies that Anurag's sirs obsession with World Cinema has prompted him to deviate away from his roots, which is rawness and quirkiness. Even after the entire film, you do not feel for the lead protagonist. The first 15 mins you scramble to recognize so many characters, its like the Opening of Hum saath saath hai. You had told me once that 'a film is not like a bullet hence it has to build slowly' but BV builds so slowly that non filmy buffs loose interest till the interval. Post interval, Anushka's twin sister angle kills the mood for the filmy buffs, who can't handle such a major loophole. The cliche climax doesn't help the situation. Also, although visually stunning, Ranbir being a boxer doesn't help the story. Hence i feel too many layers to the characters made them too unbelievable and unrealistic, which hampers the most important factor from a Kashyap film. This is the same thing Tarantino fucked up in Jackie Brown

But, the film has its moments. Ranbir's reaction to the Parsi editor when Anushka returns is fabulous. The scene where Ranbir's friend helps him in the shootout is the stand out scene. While Karan johar coming out to laugh and the Santaclock scene is classic Kashyap (this is what we wanted to see from you sir). The sets are amazing along with the graphics. The costumes and art direction deserves an award. Also, the background steals the thunder(brilliant). It's a difficult film which is painstakingly made, the results are seen visually. The film is too ahead of its time because it requires multiple viewing to understand the various layers and equations between the characters.

Ranbir is brilliant and puts up his best performance till date. Anushka does well and looks cute but in some scenes her lips looks puffed (sarcasm). Karan Johar is not consistent. KK is wasted. Only Satyadeep Misra as Ranbir's friend stands out and excels.

In the end, Bombay Velvet is bad but not that bad that people are crucifying Anurag Sir. It's the expectation from a world class filmmaker that has prompted so many negative reviews about the film. It's not Wasseypur or Black Friday but it ain't Besharam or Aag as well. I urge people to watch it before they get influenced by others. Bombay Velvet is definitely a-1 time watch and should not be missed even for the wrong reasons. And for Anurag Sir, Tarantino gave his most strongest film after Jackie Brown (ie: Kill Bill) so the Phoenix will rise from the ashes and deliver a knock out punch soon. He will be back... You will be back and we will be waiting eagerly. Till then we can just sit back and sulk as Anurag's sirs haters crucify him.

Rating - **half

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Dear Joss Whedon,

You have revolutionized the super heroes franchises by making Marvel into a better package than the superheroes from DC. All these phase packages combine to form an Avenger film. Thankfully, this installment of the superhero union is worth the wait but like any orgasm, the first one always seems more satisfying. Hence, this film lacks the simple beauty of the first Avengers.

The film revolves around Hydra enhancing 2 normal humans into superheroes - Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. These 2 trick Iron Man into making a software virus machine called Ultron, who is so powerful that it is impossible to defeat it. Like all superhero films, all ends well, but there is a twist in the tale and one of the beloved Avengers is killed. (Between, its not the one you expect)

The film is brilliant in its writing. The Dialogues deserve an Oscar. The Scene where Super heroes try to lift Thor's hammer is brilliant. Also Elizabeth Olson's Scarlet Witch excels in her role. But its the fight between the Hulk and Iron Man which takes the cake. It's even better than the climax. Just for that one fight, this film is a must watch.

But, the plot is similar to X-Men Days of Future Past, since it has the same villain (Ultron) and you have the Quicksilver in both films (X-Men's Quicksilver was awesome) Hence, X-Men steals the thunder from under Marvels nose. Also the problem lies that there are too many complex layers added to every character for their future spin off films. Like Iron Man's stubbornness or the Hulk's emotional side. Hence, you feel disconnected in the end of the film cause all the answers to these complex layers will be presented in the coming films (last of which will be Avengers 3 part 2 in 2019) so you need to see other films to keep a tab on your favorite superhero. Another glitch is that Hulk isn't used much in the climax, nor is Thor. Hulk was the reason Avengers-1 felt awesome. The first half of the film is quick and brilliant but the second half builds up like an erection without reaching a proper ejaculation.

Performance-wise, Iron Man is as awesome as ever. Even with negative shades, he is the best of the lot. Captain America is restrained. Hawk-eye has finally to do something in the film. Hulk is wasted in the climax but brings the house down in his fight with Iron man, literally. Black widow is sexy and shows her human side. Quicksilver is cool but not as cool as the X men kid. Scarlet witch is a welcome addition to the franchise and the surprise package of the film.

Overall, Avengers - Age of Ultron is worth the hype and expectation. But not satisfying like the Winter Soldier or Avengers-1. Till the other sequels and spin offs come to the theaters, enjoy this visual treat without getting too confused with the plot. We want more Mr Whedon. (PS: wait for the credits to roll out and check out Thanos)

Rating: ***half (the extra half star is for the Dialogues alone)

Hunterrr

Dear Harshavardhan Kulkarni,

Well our film industry is deprived of a good sex comedy, then a film called Hunterrr rolls in. 

The film revolves around a Nymphomaniac or Vasu, who lusts for women rite from his childhood. But then decides to settle with a confused girl, who has a past as well. The catch is that, he has told his bride that he is a simple virgin. His past and present intervene to form the crux of the story.

The movie is a total Desi film and the non linear screenplay gives it a fresh look. Not many people would like the antics done by the hero but it is relevant even today. If you don't have a pervert friend then its difficult to understand this lead character. The formulas to get a girl are all inspired by real life. The childhood of the lead is the highlight of the film. Also, scenes like the horny neighborhood bhabhi track & the mentor friend marrying an ugly girl is superbly written.

The film slows down in the second half and there is very little emotional connect. The love story of the leads is a little weak and it is conveniently ended in the climax but i guess it saved a lot of unnecessary film length. 

Technically the film is made on a shoe string budget but you get the feel of this Desi sex comedy, thanks to a very clever production design. The Dialogues need a special mention. Absolutely awesome.

Gulshan Devaiah as the marathi manoos is brilliant. You won't believe this actor is a south Indian after you see the film. Radhika Apte as the bride, is restraint and subtle. She is the new age Shabana Azmi. Sai Tamhankar as the hot bhabhi is the highlight of the film. Her track is the best of the lot. 

Overall, Hunterr, even though has its flaws, is a must watch comedy, but not necessarily with your family. Watch it with one of your most Tharki friends. Incidentally, i got the maximum calls from my friends. Hey wait a minute...

Rating - ***half

Detective Byomkesh Bakshy

Dear Dibakar Banerjee,

Directors like you have revolutionized Hindi Cinema with films like Khosla ka Ghosla, LSD, Oye Lucky and even Shanghai, but now with Byomkesh Bakshy you get too smart for your own good. 

The film revolves around a Young Sherlock, who can take umpteen amount of Cinematic Liberty by acting Dumb. He is entrusted on finding his sidekick's father, who has made a mysterious drug which might bring down the entire city of Calcutta and forfeit it to the Japanese during World War 2.

Firstly, the film is wrongly promoted as a suspense thriller, when there is no suspense in the film. You know the villain by the interval phase. Then, the film starts taking doses of cinematic liberty like an I-pill. Why does our hero trust all the negative people ? There is too much of coincidence and convenience in the film. Why would the villain come back twice to meet Byomkesh when he has everything set for him ? Also, the film is too smart for a normal spoon feeding Indian viewer, many people were looking for answers in the theater during the film, which they realized in the climax. The film's suspense builds up like a ejaculation right till the end but then, it doesn't cum at all.

But, Byomkesh is one of the most stylish films ever made in recent times. The details of the pre-independence era is painstakingly put together. Rite from the opening titles where the director gives you hints about the film in the foreground by keeping the actor out of focus in the background. The Cinematography of the film is brilliant and the action scenes are breathtaking. You are transported to that era, thanks to the awesome art direction and production crew. The film even though has loop holes keeps you interested in the theater but is heavy on the brain and you come out scrambling for a Saridon, because you have used a lot of brain cells.

Sushant Singh Rajput excels in the lead. Neeraj Kabi as the Doctor is brilliant. Watch out for this actor. Anand Tiwari as the sidekick is awesome. Swastika Mukherjee as the Femme Fatale is sexy and beautiful. 

Overall, Detective Byomkesh Bakshi, is an one time watch because of the smart direction and the overall look. It would have been brilliant if the film would have been marketed as the Indian version of 'North by Northwest' about a Desi Conspiracy rather than a suspense mystery thriller. It's all style, but a little more substance would have been great.

Rating: **half

NH 10

Dear Navdeep Singh,

Your first film Manorama - Six Feet Under aka Desi Chinatown, was a gritty, edgy and rustic film. With NH10 my expectation was sky high but the film ends being only time pass and not a cult thriller, which it should have been.

The film is about a horny couple who are on their way to a private villa in Haryana (in Haryana ? seriously, what the fuck). They encounter a kidnapping and the Virat kohli aggression in the husband lights up. He follows the Gujjars to scare them (yes, he wants to scare 6 Gujjars with one pistol in spite of having a hot wife in the car alone, How stupid can one be). They end up witnessing a honor killing case, which starts a cat & mouse chase where everyone is out for blood.

The first half of the film is unbelievable, why would a Delhiate guy decide to take panga with Gujjars when he knows he has a hot wife, who is shit scared of an attempted robbery just days before. Then, the Husband takes a flying arrow in his ass, as he is the one who starts the killing first. OK, i believe people should stand up for whats wrong but when you are heavily outnumbered in an unknown dangerous area, its plain stupid to be a hero. Anyways the film picks up post interval and the gritty thriller is superb in the end. Irrespective of the loop holes in the first half, the film is still fast paced and keeps you engrossed.

Deepti Naval's track in the second half is one of the best scenes of the film. Also, Anushka's chase scenes in the stone quarry is shot very beautifully and of course the climax, which is done very tastefully in the by lanes of a village. But i couldn't understand one thing in the climax, why would you run in front of a car which is driven by a mad woman who wants to kill you, when you can climb some stairs next to the road or even enter some gaavwala's house, but i guess liberty is the name of the game.

Anushka Sharma delivers her best performance till date. She is powerful, wild and simply outstanding in the film. Check out her emotional breakdown below the railway track. Neil is good and acts well but is handicapped in a poorly etched character. Darshan Kumar is good at the start but doesn't have much to do later. Deepti Naval springs a surprise.

Virat Kohli's dialogue containing MC, BC, and other abuses are naturally written by him. (Sarcasm)

Overall, Eden Lake oops i mean NH 10, in spite of its flaws is a one time watch. In a time, when our country is termed as a hub for rapists and woman beaters, this film acts as a fucking mirror. But is it necessary to generalize all the Haryanvi Gujjars to be like the villains from The Hostel series ? Well as our friend Virat Kohli would say 'chupkar k picture dekh BC'.

Rating - **

Dum Laga ke Haisha

Dear Sharad Katariya (c/o Aditya Chopra),

After Gunday, i had lost all hope from Yashraj, It was as if you people gave us the date-rape drug to steal our money. But then came Mardani, where Bahurani salvaged the banner. And now you come up with a gem of a small film called 'Dum Laga ke Haisha'. Bravo !!

The film is set in Haridwar during the early 90's, where cassettes and pencils made sense. Where Kumar Sanu was Honey Singh. The story is about an illiterate loser who gets married to an educated plum girl. The whole family tries to seduce them to have sex but the loser still doesn't get over his wife's weight leading to differences and divorce. But all is well, which ends well, The mismatched couple take part in a traditional race to give the hero a life time of slip disc and missionary position.

The details of the 90's era is painstakingly assembled. It reminds you of the simple era where the whole family would listen to a couple fornicating. The simple nature of the film makes it stand out. A film where the narrative is taken forward without losing the audience's interest is a masterstroke in itself and DLKH manages that in the first half. The second half is fun as well. The scene where the wife buys a nylon night wear and adjusts on the creaky bed, musical war on cassette, the shakha scenes, family bonding over divorce are the highlights of the film.

The climax is a bit over the top but what the hell, its Yashraj, so just suck those caramel popcorns in your ass and watch the film.

Ayushman's career has been reborn with this film. His simple UP lingo is superb and he carries the film on his back. Literally.

Bhumi as the Big Mac (Royale with cheese) is the mota packet bada dhamaka. Watch out for this firebrand.

Sanjay Mishra excels as the authoritative father.

Chandrachur Rai as the Deepak Tijori of Jo Jeeta Woh Sikander, is brilliant and is bound to do good work in the future (He stars in our film 'Meeruthiya Gangsters', that's why the free publicity :p)

Overall, DLKH is the small film like Queen that you should watch. It's not as brilliant as Queen but it will make you nostalgic about the era most of us have lived in. Also, the film teaches us a valuable lesson that sex .. oops i mean love is bigger than looks, weight or ego.

Rating: ***half

My Oscar predictions

2014 has been a year of some great films in Hollywood, some are under rated and some over rated. But only a few will receive the adulation of the Academy Awards. Here is my prediction for this years Oscars

Best Picture : Boyhood 

Richard Linklater's epic struggle to shoot a young boy grow into an 18 year old adult is a mammoth effort and should be rewarded with the coveted Golden statue. Only Birdman is its closest challenger but might would loose the award to Boyhood since its similar to Black Swan. 

PS : i hope my prediction goes wrong and Whiplash wins the award since its my favorite film of the year

Best Actor Male : Eddie Redmayne

Even after the end credits have rolled, you still don't believe that Eddie Redmayne wasn't the actual Stephen Hawking. Micheal Keaton from Birdman is the only strong contender for the prize. But Eddie might just wheel off with the award.

Best Actor Female : Julianne Moore

I always thought Julianne Moore was an over rated actor but she out does herself in Still Alice. Felicity Jones is the only other worthy opponent to race away with the award. 

Best Director : Alejandro Gonzalez

This one is a tough one between Birdman and Boyhood but Alejandro Gonzalez might just squeeze through here for the sheer effort of shooting a difficult film.

Best Supporting Actor : J.K. Simmons

Aha the best thing about 2014, JK Simmons, as the authoritative teacher at a music school, is the sure shot winner for this category.

Best Supporting Actress : Patricia Arquette

Dedication to be in a single role for 12 years is a task in itself and Patricia Arquette has to be awarded for her brilliant portrayal as a troubled mother. She looks like a clear cut winner here as well.

Best Original Screenplay : Nightcrawler

Perhaps the most underrated film of 2014, Nightcrawler should win unless the Academy decides to stick to the big studios and give the award to Birdman.

Best Cinematography : Birdman

How can you not award a film which will become a chapter in cinematography schools. The single shot steady cam technique breaks molds and the cameraman should be applauded for being the biggest asset of the entire Film's team.

Best Adapted Screenplay : Whiplash

Even though my heart says Whiplash, the Academy might most probably award this to Theory of Everything.

Best Film Editing : Whiplash

This will a keen contest between Whiplash and American Sniper but Whiplash should pull through on merit

Badlapur

Dear Sriram Raghavan,

Let me first moan because i just went into a film orgasm after watching your movie 'Badlapur'. Aahhhhhhhh. The last time this happened was during 'Wasseypur'. (I am like a married housewife who doesn't climax easily, even if you use tongue). But on a serious note, with Badlapur you wash off your sins (Agent Vinod) and remind us of your masterpieces (Ek hasina thi & Jhonny Gaddar).

Badlapur is India's first Korean styled revenge drama about a hero (Varun) slowly becoming the anti-hero to take revenge against the Villain (Nawaz) who killed his family. But as the film progresses, lines between the hero and the Villain slowly blur out.

The film is sluggish in the first half and builds up too much without progessing in the story (All Korean films are like this). I wish we didn't have an interval for this film because we could have judged it as one film since the majority of the meat is in the second half. But once the film starts pounding post interval, you feel the pleasure of cinematic ecstacy. There are shades of the korean trilogy called the Venganance series, but the film is an original item.

The long single shots are expertly crafted. Its the moments in the story which makes this film stand out. For example - Nawaz trying to escape Jail, Varun & Radhika's intense bedroom scene, but the pick of the lot is where Varun and Nawaz have a conversation in the end. Both are flawed and both have valid reasons for the flaws. Whom do you support is the question ?

Varun is superb and acts with his eyes. He faulters in some scenes like the initial scene with Divya dutta but then he quickly regains his form in the violence. Its a big step for a mainstream actor to take such a risk by playing a 43 year old violent anti hero. But it paid off buddy.

Huma, Divya Dutta, Radhika Apte all are dependable actors and have done well but its Nawazzuddin Siddiqui who gives you Indian cinema's Joker. He is sly, evil, funny and human at the same time. He just takes all the other actors in a juicer, grinds them and gulps them down without even burping.

Overall, Badlapur might not be a classic like Jhonny Gaddar but its seriously haunting. Not many people would like such violence but its a refreshing changing face of Indian cinema so go ahead and grab this Violent, crazy, brilliant film and feel the pleasure of cinema (without the use of lubrication)

Rating - ***.75 (it would have been **** if it didn't have an interval)

Shamitabh

Dear R. Balki Sir,

You have given us wonderful films like 'Cheeni Kum' and 'Paa'. But, with 'Shamitabh' you are now pushing the envelope of same patterns films. Its repetitive and boring.

Shamitabh is about a mute actor (Dhanush) who hails from a small village and gets an expensive operation done in his vocal cord thanx to an assistant director (Sarika), who tries very hard to say dialogues (may b she was mute before as wel). They finally find a voice (Amitji) which doesnt suit him at all, but the voice has more attitude and ego than Salman khan. Later the voice and the actor have conflicts more than a couple who are on a valentines day holiday with the girl on her period. Finally, the AD solves the jhagda but then the film goes so long that Salman Khan makes his entry and crashes his car into someone. (Typical Sallu)

So how do you make a Balki film - Take Amitji + make him Ham more than Pizza Hut puts Ham in their Pizzas + take a touching story + put silly toilet jokes in it + take a life threatning disease + stretch the idea to the limit until the audiences squirt (tears ;)) + finish with a tragic end = viola R. Balki film is complete. 

The film is well made and the first half is a breeze. The amount of detailing is superb. But, Things get stretched like a 50year old's ass in the second half. The concept is unique and a more crispier  editng would have made this film into a festival favourite. The graveyard scenes are brilliant and worth a watch.

Amitji is too loud, you enjoy his monologue the first time, but at the 5th monologue you tell urself "chal yaar bahar moot k aate hai" even though you don't need to piss. 

Dhanush is brilliant. He steals the thunder from Amitji

Sarika is good looking. She acts wel in some scenes but she needs to get Dick-tion classes for her hindi. (Hey wait she wasn't Sarika ?)

Overall, Shamitabh can be seen once for the unique concept and the mehnat of the technicians for the detailing. Otherwise wait for the DVDrip print to come online. And please Balki sir, lets do something different from ur usual style of SHame-itabh.

Rating - **

Baby

Dear Neeraj Pandey, 

Your film 'A Wednesday' was path breaking cinema. You followed it with a loophole filled 'Special 26'. Now, with 'Baby' you give us a visual treat but with no screenplay or editing. Resulting in a better version of agent vinod.

The film is about a group of elite agents who fly around the world in business class with no purpose. Until, they decide to kill the villain - osama style (this point comes around 2 hours later in the film). The next 40 minutes are pacy as its inspired from Argo but at 159minutes Baby should have seriously considered its screenplay before booking their tickets for Turkey, Nepal or Saudi Arabia.

I think your screenplay writer was blowing your editor while taking inspiration from films like Zero dark thirty and D-Day. Then, suddenly while shooting the film Argo released and you decided to prolong the film by giving it some story in the last 20mins.

How does Akshay know all escape routes is beyond belief and why does the saudi cop investigate when he wants our heroes to escape ? Why did your editor didnt suffer from premature ejaculation so that he could have cut the damn film ?

But, the movie has its gritty moments. Like the scene where Akshay chokes a Terrorist informer Or Tapsee pannu's brilliant action set piece or the visual treat shot in the Gulf deserts. The film is on par with Hollywood. Its too bad that we dont spend that money on Scriptwriters. Good scriptwriters then have to write blogs for free :)

Akshay is subtle and the director has achieved not making him chuckle in any scene but hasnt Akshay played something similar in Holiday. 

Other actors are all in special appreances but Anupam Kher, Tapsee & Sushant Singh stand out.

Overall, Baby is a good 1 time watch. The director is heading in the right direction since its not housefull or humshakals but it aint Wednesday also. Expectations from the director pulls down a well made film.

Rating - **half

Alone

Dear Bhushan Patel,

Your film Ragini MMS2 was fun since we got to see Sunny leone in a more sexier avatar then her respective porn tapes. But with ALONE, you try to do the same thing by making a film on child molestation where Bipasha is molesting Karan singh grover.

The film revolves around a mediocre Korean film's DVD called Alone (wow) which reached your office or was downloaded (cheapness ki hadd hogi). Then you thought of how to make it indianised (which is to put sex of first base level + tantric mumbo jumbo + raaz1 chitaah jalaying climax). then you decided to sign the queen of b-grade horror films in india and shoot the film in Kerela (whether it makes sense for a bengali heroine to be born in Kerela is beyond ordinary thinking). Then get a hero who exposes more than the heroine and viola our Indian version of a Korean horror film is complete.

Only 1-2 scenes are genuinely scary but it pisses you off that the ghost comes only at night when the heroine is sleeping in her panties (i didnt complain when the director did the same thing with sunny leone). Then, there are funny sequences where the ghost is so horny that it starts fucking the hero as soon as it possess' the heroine. The tantric mantras are so cliche, there should be a ban on tantrics in hindi films (bw i swear i heard the tantric saying vikram bhatt in his mumbo jumbo. Nicely played). And why would the film have a chitah jalaying sequence (only to give the ghost Bipasha - a 70bulb finish)

Bipasha is the same from the time she did Ajnabee. Age is finally catching up to her bra size. 

Karan Singh Grover is good as Jhonny Bravo. I feel bad for him when he is attacked by a horny cougar like Bips.

Overall, Alone is a cheap thrill, not for its horror but its funny take on a Korean ok-ok film. The twist in the climax is good but i would prefer to see a repetation of Conjuring than watch this film. (Bw they did repeat the Conjuing exorcism scene in this film. Remember Ragini MMS2 had it as well. How assholic). Please think original or copy it better. Dont watch this film alone, watch it with a bunch of friends and have a hearty laugh.

Rating - *half

10 best films of 2014

Firstly, this list has been very difficult to compile since there was an acute shortage of good films this year but i have still managed to list the 10 best films of 2014 irrespective of its budget or the money it made or whether it was liked by critics or not. If anyone has an objection to the list then they can kiss my ass. Lets begin.. 

1. Queen

If content & entertainment is what you are looking for, then Queen was the film of the year 2014. This Vikas Behl directed film, follows a dumped simple bride travelling around europe with hilarious misadventures on her stag honeymoon. Kangna's brilliant performance revived her career and made this film into a modern day cult classic. Dont miss the outstanding 'hungama ho gaya' song.

2. Haider

The genius of Vishal bhardwaj is back with a bang bang. With Haider, Vishal completes his trilogy of shakesperian tragedies. So, Haider might not be as rustic as Maqbool or as processed as Omkara but it holds its own poetic charm. Vishal's Hamlet is based on the backdrop of the Kashmiri insurgency and it brilliantly crafts the story where you feel for the anti national characters. Shahid delivers a stunner of a performance especially his monologue. Tabu is fantastic and you are left amazed at her talent. Watch out for the grave diggers and Irfaan khan, who will give you goosebumps and nightmares.

3. Dedh Ishqiya

The lovable Khalu & Babban return, only to be duped by a worn out Queen and her lesbian partner. Abhishek choubey's Dedh Ishqiya is as brilliant as its original but its heavy Urdu dialogues left audiences struggling to read the subtitles. Because of these lazy audiences, this film bombed and may be we wont be seeing another installment of this awesome franchise. Watch out for Vijay raaz's sublime performance.

4. Maardani

Who says third time isn't lucky ? Rani Mukherjee's third attempted come back after Laga chunri & Hadippa has finally made it worth for her to marry into Yashraj. The gritty thriller about a hard-ass cop solving the girl trafficking network in india, is neatly made and brilliantly portrayed. Rani's performance makes you stand up and notice (can she get a national award Adi ?). Watch out for the young negative villain in Tahir Bhasin

5. Katiyabaaz

If you havent seen this gem, then please download it immediately. The film is a documentary about Kanpur's electric supply and the people who steal electricity, these mordern day robin hoods of electricity are known as Katiyabaaz. In the film you have the government electric board run by a strict IPS woman and on the other hand you have a foul mouthed Loha singh. Both parties are flawed and correct at the same time. But eventually you feel for the people of Kanpur who are electricity deprived for 16 hours a day throughout the year. The film was pain stakingly made in 2 years and shot brilliantly without judging anyone. Watch out for Loha Singh's candid conversation with his mother.

6. Ugly

The master of dark human relations returns with his most sinister film yet. Anurag kashyap's Ugly is dark, edgy and disturbing because it deals with a young girl's kidnapping and its aftermath. Its not as entertaining as Wasseypur or Dev D but Ugly makes you think and ponder like Paanch. The film sticks and makes you wonder about the other numerous possibilities of the director's reasoning. Watch out for Girish Kulkarni's brilliance as inspector Jadhav.

7. Filmistaan

Ok so cliche is good, if done properly. India vs pakistan has been done to death but what if a die hard filmi is kidnapped by Terrorists. Filmistaan is this years 'tere bin laden'. Even though its not perfect, its super fun except for its climax. Watch out for Sharib Hashmi shooting his own ransom video. Hilarious.

8. Hasee toh phasee

Rom com with some meaning. Wow !! Dharma is getting better. (Remembers Gori tere pyar mein.. May be not). Hasee toh phasee is like the old hugh grant movie charm - cute candyfloss stuff where the groom falls in love with the bride's mad sister. Parineeti as the drug induced genius is absolutely fab. She out does her cousin sister is this film (especially when her sister is doing a film like Gunday). Watch out for the CID spoof in the film.

9. Ankhon Dekhi

Rajat Kapoor gave us this years best small film with Ankhon Dekhi, about a man who one fine day decides to believe only in things he would see. Sanjay mishra as the complicated common man excels and proves that he is not just the funny comedian. The film's second half faulters and the climax just goes downhill but the promise of the film's making helps you forget the flaws. Watch out for Sanjay Mishra asking the maths teacher about infinity

10. Ragini MMS 2

Many people would crucify me to include this film in the list but where would you see a ghost attacking people in a sexy lingerie ? Or a girl walking around a haunted mansion in her panties ?. Ragini MMS 2 gave you all that and more. Sex, erotica, laughable horror and baby doll, what else can you ask for in this paisa vasool horrex. With cleavage hanging in the open in every scene including sunny's exorcism, you get every bit of the cheap thrill you desired from the film, which made Sunny leone the object of desire for our wet day-dreams. Watch out for the bathroom make out scene.